6月11日---無法寄出去的email

星期日
雨天

今日自己既心情都系吾上吾落甘﹗~
嘿﹗~~~ 嘆氣﹗~ 已經成為我生活上既習慣了﹗
好似﹐一日吾嘆氣都吾系我自己甘﹗~
我一直而來﹐都吾敢同姐姐講出自己心地既說話﹗~
吾知道點解﹐ 聽到cry on my shoulder呢首歌曲﹐令我想起曾經有一個人﹐ 一個我相當重視既人﹐ 佢對我講既野﹐我系吾會忘記架﹗~ >_<~
就系呢一刻﹐我覺得系時候爭取自己既權利了﹗
所以我就寫左以下呢一封email
寫完之後﹐我卻冇勇氣send出去﹗~只好將呢封email keep住﹗~
我好怕﹐呢一封信會帶來更多既~﹑﹑﹑﹑ 我真系吾敢再想了﹗~
只感到好無奈﹗ 好無奈既心情﹗~>_<~~

Actually, i really dont know how to tell you about my problems!, I reallly dint have the brave to tell you face to face, even just a call!. So, i tried to write this email to you. But i dont know will i send it out at the end.Like what my net friends told me, there is somethings you should know it. But i just kept it for quite a long time. As you know, i'm not that kind of person love to share my own problems with family members or even my close friends!

Time passing very fast, it had been 3years since our father accident. In this 3 years, i just used all my time for this family. I did care about you all. I care about yours feeling. Even somethings, that you cant do it, i will take the responsibilities for it!Just like brother, he dont want do keep on helping mum. Then is ok, if the jobs, someone refuse to do it. I will take over that jobs!~

But time passing time, now i feeling hard for it. It become a huge burden for me. One of my friend keep on telling me that, "everyone have their own right", i know i have it too!, but i never take any selfish actions all the times. In this 3 years, i just keep all the problems. And i really dont know how to voice out!, itiz maybe i tooo care what will happend after i said it!~ But if i dint voice out, i will get crazy one day!

I know that, you trying your best for me. But this cant last for long. One day, you will have your own childs. That time, you cant like now went home whenever you like!~

For me, i had been lost my freedom 3years. And now i really dont know how many years that i need to spend for this family, in the future 5years or 10 years!~ i really dare to think about it!~ At the time i make my decision to take care of father, i dint expected this!~But now, i know that everthings cant get back!~

For now on, i lost my freedom, lost my future!~Even i so scared to think about my future!Sometimes, i will refused to meet my friends!~Did you know why?Coz, everytime i saw them, all the kinds of jealuosy will come through my mind. I will keep on asking myself, "why i cant do that"!~I just know that, now all my friends have a good jobs, good opportunity, a nice life partner!~But, for me!~ i lost this all!~All my friends keep on step forward, for me i just stop at the corner. I just like " the frog under the roof".

Actually i'm not that strong as you think!~I never cried infront of you all. I have the time feeling sad too!~Maybe everythings seem going smooth on this year!~After brother going back to kl, it really solved some of the problems!~ But maybe somethings, you all never realise for it!~Have you all think about "me"!~Am i the only one who take this burden in my life time!~ Itiz fair to me!~I really dont want make a same steps like what "ah yong" do!~Itiz really dint have others way to solve this problems anymore!~
I really dont know how to keep on write this letter.Sorry!~ if this letter make you feel uneasy with it!